You’ve lived in Abu Dhabi too long…

The promise of a tax-free lifestyle has drawn many expats from all around the world to the UAE. However, Abu Dhabi is a lesson in what money can’t buy and this magnet for the material-obsessed thankfully doesn’t appeal to all.  As anyone who has spent time out there will appreciate, you know you’ve lived in Abu Dhabi for a while when…

• Any arrangement made verbally must include the word “inshallah” otherwise it’s invalid

• It’s perfectly normal to change from shorts and a t-shirt into trousers, jumper and scarf after stepping indoors from outside

• Ordering drinks with your meal will add 15 percent to the bill if they’re non-alcoholic, 500 percent otherwise

• Phrases like ‘potato masher’, ‘dish washer’ and ‘cheese grater’ are not kitchen utensils, but job titles

• You understand that all speed limits are merely advisory, except those anywhere near a speed camera in which case the speed applies 20kph above the number on the sign

• You can successfully avoid being conned out of AED 50 for a two minute journey in a white and gold taxi

• You carry a dozen passport size photos around with you and six photocopies of your passport, just in case

• You drive with one finger resting lightly on the horn press

• You expect all police to drive BMWs or Mercedes

• You expect all stores to stay open till 10pm at least and midnight if it’s a tailor

• You expect everyone to own a mobile phone and to use it on any possible occasion, especially in cinemas, theatres and while driving

• You’re used to queues being one person wide and 40 people deep

• You understand that when you reach the front of the queue, other people will cluster around you and sneak their entreaties into any small gap in your conversation with the official

• You know exactly when you cross the border back from Dubai because the road colour changes, trees appear in the central reservation and there are no random piles of rubble left on the side

• You know never to walk across sand with bare feet in August because of the risk of getting third-degree burns

• You don’t get the weekend’s days confused anymore. Saturday is Saturday, except for Saturday night, which is Friday night. Friday is Sunday, Sunday is Monday and Thursday is Friday

• You send friends a map instead of your address because you don’t actually know your address

• You think that “howareyou” is one word, also “mamsir”

• You’ve learned that the definition of a nanosecond is the interval between the time the light turns green and the time that the guy behind you starts honking his horn

• Your car’s turn indicators have atrophies from underuse and withered away into inoperative, vestigial nubs of their factory-made selves

• Your idea of housework is leaving a list for the cleaner

• Suddenly, any respect for other road users has gone right out of the window as you hurtle headlong into the automobile anarchy that is Abu Dhabi city centre